The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Wine - Four, I Can't Get That Lousy Bottle Opened

It's true; I really do love wine and food from Italy, France, Germany, and other countries as well. And who among us can reject a bargain? But I also hate wine and many aspects of the wine scene. Let me explain my top ten reasons for this love-hate relationship. Previous articles discussed the unconscionable expense, the embarrassing lack of knowledge, and no wine cellar. Now I am looking at one of my favorite, should I say unfavorite reasons: I can't get the ... bottle opened. Actually this is the most dangerous reason. A sliced finger is no fun. And you can't get true rose wine by adding blood to any white wine. I have to confess that I am a bit of a klutz. Actually they once held a contest for klutziness and I was eliminated in the qualifying round. The judges muttered something under their breath. I think I heard "Unfair competition" and "Give the others a chance".

I am the proud owner of a faux silver-plated sommelier's (wine steward's) bottle opener. Actually, I once owned two of these marvelous contraptions, but was lucky enough to misplace one of them. But this dagnabbed contraption just refuses to work properly; at least not for me. I have come THIS close to slicing my fingers off, where the word THIS stands for a quarter of a millimeter, or more realistically the size of the dot on this i. So I use a non-professional wine bottle opener that gouges a hole in the cork almost the size of my neighbor's swimming pool. I've actually grown to appreciate a bit of cork in the wine. It gives that "Je ne sais quoi" taste. Don't even think about getting me to open a Champagne bottle. Our lodgings walls host permanent reminders of each and every one of our Champagne-toasted events. I am anxiously awaiting the day when Champagne comes in a drink box.

Would you believe it, sometime after writing the first draft of this article I managed to break my beautiful little sommelier's bottle opener? However, as luck would have it the bottle didn't break. I somehow found an alternate method to open the bottle and savor the wine. (And a little cork.)

Here are the other reasons that I hate wine, to be explored shortly: The insomnia, Food problems, Wine snobs, Those smells and those tastes, Those colors, Home brew, One more problem and yes, The Solution.


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Levi Reiss has authored ten computer and Internet books, but to tell the truth, he would really rather just drink fine French, German, or other wine, accompanied by the right foods. He teaches classes in computers at an Ontario French-language community college. His global wine website www.theworldwidewine.com features a weekly review of $10 wines. Visit his Italian wine website www.theitalianwineconnection.com .