The Hit and Run

Domestic violence occurs in an estimated 4 million intimate relationships each year in the United States. Consider these findings:

- The U.S. Surgeon General reports that domestic violence causes more injury to adult women than cancers, heart attacks, or strokes.
- FBI statistics point out that a woman is battered every 15-18 seconds in the U.S.
- More than three million children witness domestic violence, and more than four million women are battered to death by their husbands or boyfriends each year.
- Approximately one third of female murder victims in the U.S. are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.

These dangerous statistics were given to Tiffany to read after she shared her story with us, and she said, "Whoo! That's terrible. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones." Read on to learn all about her great fortune.

Tiffany and Reid were dating for approximately 14 months before he punched her clear across the face while he was driving along a busy interstate as she sat beside him in the passenger seat. "He's never gotten that angry before," she recalls. "I must've blacked out because the next thing I remember was waking up in his bed later that night." When asked what caused his anger and subsequent violent act, she speaks softly and reluctantly. "My old boyfriend came to town on business and we hooked up for lunch. He [Reid] had every right to be upset...I knew how he'd probably feel. But it was an innocent lunch and Casey [former boyfriend] and I hadn't been together for close to 10 years."

Tiffany, now 31, believed that she had to justify Reid's actions for hitting her. She said that Reid's previous girlfriends had cheated on him and having trust was the most important element to him in a relationship. She told Reid about her lunch date after he picked her up from work that evening and he immediately snapped and called her everything from a whore to a disrespectful b*tch.

Clearly, he had a history of violent behavior and a bad temper. "No." Tiffany responds. "That's why I couldn't believe that it happened. He's always been such a sweet and gentle person with me. I never would've seen this coming." What did she do after she awoke from unconsciousness? "I asked him for some aspirin. Then we talked...for a long time. He apologized. He was crying." She forgave him.

That memorable incident happened almost two years ago. The only person she confided in about the attack was her older cousin, Marie, and Marie urged her to call the police and to press charges against Reid. Tiffany refused because she believed Reid's apology was sincere and knew he was regretful. Marie warned her of some tragic statistics and threatened to call the cops if Tiffany wouldn't. Marie reminded her of all the stories you hear about - the man giving his woman "sincere apologies" accompanied with flower bouquets and nice gifts after trying to knock their brains out just hours before. Before you know it, there's a garden in your bedroom and a jewelry box full of gold and diamonds. Still, Tiffany persuaded her cousin to keep her lips sealed. Tiffany is glad that she did because Reid hasn't so much as raised his voice to her since then. It took about a year, but Marie is even friendly to him again.

Factors such as the breakdown of families, unemployment and underemployment, poor education, inadequate job training, bad housing, the influence and use of illegal drugs, and the density of liquor stores in the inner city contribute to the problem of domestic violence in the African-American community. All of these ingredients may compound and coalesce into a strong undercurrent of frustration that can lead to domestic violence.

Tiffany admits that Reid had been frustrated over his job situation almost from the beginning of their relationship. He felt that his degree in Business Management wasn't affording him enough opportunities for good employment. She also said that he felt pressure from his ex-girlfriend to provide more child support for their eight-year-old daughter. Again, Tiffany justifies his action by stating that Reid's ex was "a real b*tch" who didn't need any more money than she was already getting from him.

Many black women find it harder to leave a battering relationship than white women. The reasons are unclear, but some possible explanations include the following: (1) we feel we have fewer options in our search for a husband than do most white women; (2) on average, we have a lower income level than that of most white women; (3) we are reluctant to call the police because we often see the racial injustice in the criminal justice system; (4) community support systems such as women's shelters and other programs may be less available and some of us may view the system as unbeneficial.

Tiffany's "luck" is premature. Reid's problem hasn't been clearly identified, treated, or resolved, so there's no guarantee that he won't lose his temper on the highway again. "I truly believe that he won't do it again. I feel just as safe with him as I did before it happened," she states. When asked for a comment, Reid refused to be on record. Over the phone, however, he sounds confident and assuring. Tiffany continues, "We've moved on in our relationship. Things are good between us and I have no regrets...except that it had to happen at all."

"So why share the story?" I wonder.

"Two reasons. One, I want to share another side of this epidemic. I know it happens, but it doesn't always continue. Not all men are abusers and continue to harm women, even after they slip that one time. And second, I'm doing this for Reid. Ever since the incident occurred he's been bending over backwards trying to prove that it will never happen again. I want this to give him some closure and the finality that it's behind us and that I trust and forgive him." Tiffany explains.

"So do you encourage women to wait before filing charges or leaving the relationship?" I ask.

"Depending on the circumstances...every situation won't resemble mine. Know your relationship." She replies.

More importantly, love yourself, and keep in mind that your partner is not your disciplinarian. But hopefully, the odds are in Tiffany's favor.