Dating Confusion/Sober Dating Fun

Dating confusion

by lightning



All to often the dating game involves much confusion for many adults. The older the individual and thelength of any former relationship has a direct effect upon the persons "date-ability". Experts suggest persons new in recovery should wait until they have gained at least a year of sobriety before getting involved in a relationship. This is not to say a person cannot go out and enjoy themselves with the opposite sex,it is saying don't get emotionally involved. The primary reason being, we need to work on ourselves and form an identity before getting emotionally involved with another.Sober Date fun requires

additional concern.To enjoy the dating experience we must consider other factors.Here are a few.The first factor concerning dating. Where do we find dating candidates? Experts recommend joining clubs or groups where people enjoy and share common interest. We are sometimes told not to date other persons in the recovery program. This is contrary to the dating advice of relationship experts. We go to our recovery meetings and meet like minded persons of the opposite sex. It is as natural as any introduction can be. Here's the catch. Define "Dating". What does it mean to you? All to often the person wishing to "date" is looking at the event from a "self "perspective. Identifying this early will avoid emotional turmoil.It is very difficut to have dating fun with another who barely recognizes your existance.Guys are in many cases looking for a woman that makes them feel important,who will enjoy their company,be entertaining or entertained by us. We men in many cases are seeking someone who will give ustime,allow us to feel special and give us nookie. Women on the other hand are usually seeking some form of security or self esteem appraisal. They either feel insufficient to deal with day to day life and maintain support alone,or they feel their value is less being single. With a man they are able to show their worth to others and in some cases,just keep the other guys at bay.They get annoyed at alwaysbeing hit on so they pick a male friend to be seen with so the other men will leave them alone.The first thing we need to do when approaching the dating situation sober is to re-define dating. Dating is the act of two individuals spending time together in some activity mutually enjoyed. Spending time together doing some activity we both like.Simple.It isn't getting passionate,horny,groping,expecting sex right away. In that way scheduling a walk together on a bike trail, having conversation as we exercise,is a date. It may not feel "datey" because our definition of dating is inaccurate, as are many of our beliefs and expectations.If we are to truly live a joyful new life, beliefs must be reconsidered and modified."nothing changes if nothing changes".When two people spend time together and get to know each other a true relationship may develop.We get to know each other, we enjoy spending time together doing activities of mutual interest. We are sober dating and having fun.Eventually the mutual desire for one another's company and companionship will naturally move toward the physical. This is completely natural as the creator has made us. We desire the interpersonal relationship with one of the opposite sex, and we desire our sexual needs to be addressed and fulfilled. Each person will know for themselves when the time is right.The couple dating should discuss these things with each other when the ideas come up.In this way they are recognizing,communicating, and preparing for the sexual events. In these cases a trip to the countyhealth department, planned parenthood, or other, may be a pre-requisite.This is good practice to protect our health.There are so many STD's and Diseases out these days. Nobody should have a problem with this requirement. It isn't an attack or degradation, it's just good common sense. This also helps mentally prepare the couple for the act they proceed toward. It then becomes an event considered and reasoned, rather than an impulsive act. As alcoholics and addicts we tend to want to act impulsively. When we begin to recover we realize that we cannot act impulsively as we did in our using behavior. We should not act impulsive in our sexual behavior either. It should be an event that has been given time to mature, be discussed, rationally considered and decided before acted upon.We must be good to ourselves if we are to stick to recovery. Self improvement allows us to grow and mature.First we must take a good honest look at ourself and be willing to accept unpleasant realities and truths about ourselves.Then we have found true humility and are able to change our destructive patterns.We then arrive at the final point of this discussion. What if we are rejected for sex? How much time have we invested with this person? Do we need more time to grow and develop? These are questions we may need to answer and ask.Every case is different.There is no hard fast rule. Here is something I do know. If you have been dating for a period of time, say 6 months to a year, you are still being rejected? It may be time to consider moving on. This of course depends on many factors. As a young man,yet in my teens.I dated a girl for two years without ever having sex. I loved her. The feeling was mutual and she became my wife. Following matrimony we experienced sex,as it should be.We remainedmarried for 17 years before the divorce. Now much older, my feelings on this are somewhat similar yet changed to some degree. After a long period of dating and getting to know each other, and I am talking about a year. You begin to express yourself to the other person.Here's the key. The other person is not responsible for my feelings.They are not obligated to satisfy my desires. However; if my feelings mean nothing to them. They are not willing to discuss ,consider, or explain feelings and thoughts I have voiced. They just refuse any advances and show rejection.They may be saying "I love you", if it isn't shown in their actions it isn't real. One may not give in just because I want them to,yet they will have concern and empathy for my needs and feelings. This may allow enough hope to continue growing in the relationship. Yet it is when my feelings are not important, when I am attacked and rejected for even having these feelings or ideas. When there is no discussion or consideration of the issue.Then that person does not recognize and value me as a human being. It is a form of abuse. Especially when the woman begins attacking me as a man and explaining how stupid I am because she has been having sexual relations with an ex-husband, and others while dating me. She further goes on to explain what a low person I am.You know it's time to walk away and never look back when you encounter this. There is no reason to hold grudges or hatred, not even a resentment. It is a good example of how the sickness continues. Some regularly attend the group,maintain little continuous sobriety, and are recognized due to their continuing involvement in recovery. This is fine, it's the way the program is designed. It's when these same people use recovery and their position in it to serve only themselves that it becomes improper. When they begin to use the program to serve themselves at the expense of another.The mental,emotional,financial,and even spiritual abuse is felt.Maybe even sexual feelings of abuse,such as being used, commonly experienced by women.Whether you are a man or woman, if you have been dating someone for a significant period of time,say a year. Your feelings and needs remain no concern to them, and there is no discussion or reasoning issues together. The lips may say "I love you" but the actions do not. Move on. I deserve to be heard because I hear. I am concerned about a partner and caring, so I should be a concern of theirs if I am valued by them. Why do I continue if I am not valued by the other? I don't, neither should you. We don't have to have a significant other to stay sober. We don't have to use because we lost one we felt we loved or we are lonely. We always have the program and each other. Thats what we are here for, that is how our recovery program works.If you have been jilted, recognize your part, accept that you cannot control.We can't make another love us no matter how hard we try.If we are loved we will know it. If we feel confusion and are degraded when we begin to voice our thoughts and feelings.We are not being loved.Especially when our requests for affirmation of the relationship end in attacks and admissions of infidelity.Just walk away. It's all the design of the higher power, not of our wishes.There are others.When the time is right, we will meet them. Till then let's be helpful and considerate of oneanother.Seek joy in all that you do and remember,we are sober and dating to have fun! See you soon

in the next entry of "soberdateokc" for more soberdate fun!



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