After concluding a group discussion with dozens of Pakistani working women, I came up with this statement which, I thought, best summarized their thoughts and views regarding their struggles in a male dominated society.
The in depth discussions I held with the women revealed that their problems actually started even before they were born!
"The common concept in Pakistan that baby girls will turn out to be a mere burden on her parents and are unable to carry on the name of the family is portrayed in the biased treatment she is about to receive as a child. The male child will always be preferred over her; he can leave his clothes all over the house - she will have to tidy his room as well as her own, he can go abroad to study in the best university in the States - she will always be indebted to her parents who let her study till college." laments Sofia, a 26 year old program analyst.
"Then once she has reached the 'marriageable' age of 20, she must leave her studies immediately lest a good proposal slips out of their hands and, god forbid she doesn't get another one before she starts getting too old at the age of 30! Men can never get too old for marriage!" jokes a sarcastic Manahil, a 24 year old receptionist at a bank
"Marriage brings its own problems with it." adds Nazia, a nurse at a reputed hospital in Islamabad.
"After her parents have exhausted their wealth on her dowry and a pompous marriage, she must learn to adjust and live with the man she hardly knows and accomplish the foremost mission of producing a male heir for the family. Men are never pressurized to have a baby boy. If only more people understood that, if at all, the male determines the sex of the child, not the female!" she whines.
"And if she decides to, or is forced to, work after marriage she must come back home in the evening feeling harassed and tired, only to be greeted by complaining in laws, wailing kids, and an inconsiderate and insensitive husband asking when dinner would be ready. At least men don't have to worry about juggling their career and family. No one expects them to either." shrugs off Samia, a customer relations officer at a telecom company.
And so life goes on, with the baby girl gradually giving into her predefined role in society to silently suffer the pains and traumas of life, and sacrifice her own whims and wishes at the behest of her family and society.
So agreed, women undergo innumerable issues every day at every stage of life….but their claim of men leading a problem free life seems far from true after holding another discussion - this time with a group of working men.
Let's look at what the male group discussions revealed. These men refuted the claims of women by saying that they actually faced the same, if not more problems than the fairer sex.
"A baby boy has hardly opened his eyes for the first time and his proud father is telling his friends and family that his son will grow up to run the family business and be a famous businessman like him - and that will show in his future treatment. He will always be given special treatment by his mother so that he can excel in the career his father has already decided for him. The poor child has a flair for arts, idolizes Rizwan Beg and wants to pursue fashion designing. His father tells him not to act sissy and sends him off to the army. Does he dare argue? Of course not, his father knows best and by now he has learnt that he has to live up to his family's expectations." Says Khalid, ironically a businessman in Islamabad.
Shayyan, a software engineer says he was never able to forget the first day he was bullied by his classmates. He came home crying to his father, who told him that he was a 'man' and so he should toughen up and face the situation himself.
"You are my son, you cannot cry. You must act like a male and grow up to be strong and tough like me. Don't ever let me down again."
"The moral of the lesson was loud and clear, I must never again fall in my family's and society's eyes by expressing my emotions."
A man would almost never be able to voice his disagreement when his father decides to wed him to his boss's or brother's daughter; just when he was about to tell him about his ladylove.
"So what if my father's choice only studied till primary school and loved some other guy - as long as my marriage helped in strengthening my family's financial position and enhancing it's social status, it was irrelevant how worthy and precious my love was for me." says a teary eyed Hassan, a not so happy son of a bureaucrat in Pakistan.
If only that was enough to prove himself as a perfect son and husband in the eyes of society. Alas he must do more to ensure a blissful matrimonial life and maintain tranquility at home.
"The typical Pakistani culture guarantees daily arguments between his beloved mother and his sweet wife and the referee, of course, is none other than he himself. He is torn between acting the obedient son as well as the considerate husband, neither can he forsake the love his mother gave him since he was born, nor can he make his wife unhappy." protests a frustrated Ali.
"And as if this daily stress wasn't enough for him, the changes in gender roles in society now increasingly demand active participation in household chores and upbringing of children. In other words, he must not only be a rising star at work but also the perfect family man!" he says.
Talk about being superhuman!
There was no doubt that these men had provoked my sympathies, but there was more to come.
One 35 years old insurance salesperson, Salim argued that the Pakistani society was not as male dominated as women liked to think.
"Obviously, there was an era in Pakistan when women were not even allowed to work, but today in most offices, men actually face significant competition from women. The number of female CEOs is also rising by the day and it is no longer unusual to see females proving their worth in leadership roles."
Anwar, a 29 years old banker complained that there were plenty of clubs, salons, welfare organizations, government and non government programs, exclusively for women but hardly any that were solely for men.
"And you still call ours a male dominated society?" he laughs.
"Even small courtesies are always in favor of women, such as a man offering a woman his own seat in a public bus, an official preferring to attend to a woman before a man waiting for his turn for hours. How many women would give up their place in a queue so that a man could move further up?" says Tahir, a young male receptionist.
It was true and there was no doubt about it. These men had a point - their lives were far from being a bed of roses. It is not only women who have to sacrifice their happiness to please others. Men undergo virtually the same amount of hardship and suffering as women do. It is unfair to accuse them of otherwise simply because they are not trained to communicate their problems to others.
As I see it, the root of the misconception lies in the gender development of males. The 'men don't cry' and 'men are tough' stereotype shows itself when males, despite undergoing many major struggles in life, bottle up their feelings and problems instead of expressing them for fear of non conformance with social norms. Since men are less likely to voice their problems and express their thoughts and opinions, there is a common view that men rarely face any considerable struggles in their life. However this is hardly the case.
Most of the problems mentioned by these men were in fact instances that I, as a woman, always took for granted, not thinking of their impact and consequences on men.
As much as I disliked the idea, the arguments forced me to contemplate; was our society gradually transforming into a female dominated one?
A bizarre thought, but perhaps it is time that men's' rights activists came into existence and started getting into action!