An often forgotten feature of dealing with cancer is what I
call 'after the event'. That is, when your loved one has
passed on. The coming months are a particular difficult time
for such people.
There is a real danger that during this time the grieving
person resorts to addictive substances to get through the
trauma. This is understandable but not always the best
course of action. You can find myself drinking far too much
alcohol (a lot more than the recommended amount per week)
for the months following the death.
My experience is that you will then gradually come down to a
reasonable level. I'm not advocating drinking as a way of
coping. But I'm realistic in that some people will go down
this root, so be aware of such behaviour. [I found myself
going this way after my father's death in February 2005.]
Being angry and crying, even at the same time, are very
common emotions following the event. Don't feel embarrassed
by this. It is perfectly normal. Just try to avoid hurting
yourself and others! I found that walking in the countryside
was helpful, especially up and down hills. The physical
effort will make you feel better and get rid of some of that
pent up emotion.
Family & friends should keep a close eye on each other if
possible. Following such a trauma it is often the case that
people will shut themselves away and shun any social
contact. Pick up the telephone and call each other. Keeping
in touch with someone who has lost a husband, wife or
partner is very, very important.
They have been used to being with a particular person, often
for decades, so try to imagine the shock when that person is
taken away from them; especially if it is sudden. Try to
arrange some event (the theatre, a film etc) so that they
will still feel part of the 'family' and it will get them
socialising again.
It is natural to be more attentive immediately after the
event but don't let it slip into long periods between
contact in the future.
They say 'Time Heals'. I say that 'Time makes it hurt less'.
At the end of the day death is part of life. We just need to
learn to cope with it.
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