"The Self-Saboteur . Is That You?"
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

There's a joke circling the Internet right now about a
priest, a drunk and an engineer who are facing the
guillotine. Each one is asked in turn how he wants to die,
face up or face down. The priest is first, and he says
"face up" so he can be looking at heaven. Down comes the
blade, there's a hitch and it stops 6" from his neck.
Considering it divine intervention, they free him.

Same thing happens with the drunk, who decides to go with a
winner and choose what the priest chose. Six inches from
his neck it stops, and he's allowed to go free as well.

Then it's the engineer's turn. He's smart enough to go with
a winning strategy as well. As he lies there watching the
blade descend, he gets an "ah hah" moment. "I think I know
what's wrong with it," he cries out in delight. "The
cable's binding right here."

This joke happens to be a classic illustration of the kind
of self-sabotaging we do when we have high IQ, but low EQ
(emotional intelligence). EQ, you see, isn't just about
emotions, it's the interface between emotions and thinking.
It's the kind of skills we have that allow us to make good
decisions, have good relationships, and succeed. It may
well matter more in life than IQ, as this joke points out so
graphically. Here is this brilliant engineer, used to
problem-solving mechanical things, who proceeds to use his
intellect without really thinking, and gets himself killed .
you know, shoots himself in the foot.

Self-sabotage is what we do when we aren't able to manage
the emotions around a situation, or don't stop and think
about the possible consequences of our actions (and actions
include words). Like the person who gets reprimanded by the
boss and forgets himself and takes a punch.

Who else sabotages themselves?

· The employee who gets lulled around the water cooler at
the job and forgets that self-deprecating remarks can and
will be used against her.
· The salesman who has the order in his pocket, but can't
quit talking, and proceeds to grab defeat from the jaws of
victory.
· The man who's so nervous on the job interview he giggles,
babbles, and spills his coffee all over the interviewer's
desk.
· The impulsive married man who is sexually attracted to
someone at work and has an affair with them, and then, to
make himself feel better, confesses to his spouse and boss.
· The athlete who lets his temper get the best of him on the
court.
· The manager who has the knack of intimidating the employee
who needs sensitivity, and placating the employee who needs
firmness.
· The student who learns all the material and then clutches
when it's exam time.
· The individual who lets setbacks, rejections and losses
send them into a downward spiral of negativity, depression
and pessimism.
· The actress who gets stage fright and freezes in fear in
front of an audience.
· The worker who sets goals but is too scattered, emotional,
and disorganized to carry them out.
· The coach who misreads his athletes, expects too much or
too little of them, and tries to motivate by intellect or
intimidation alone

Success in all the important things in life requires a high
degree of emotional intelligence. The person who knows how
to get along, can plan ahead, manage their emotions and
those of others, generate options, act with intent, maintain
the appropriate degree of sensitivity to their environment,
and remain optimistic enough to persevere, will always have
the edge. Whether it's leadership, a better marriage, a
promotion, or respect you're after, the key can be
developing your EQ.

The good news is that it can be learned. Just as you
continually increase your expertise and academic learning,
you can work with a coach or mentor who can explain the
competencies to you, help you gain the necessary
self-awareness, and give you exercises and feedback. Many
people I've coached in EQ call it "the missing piece."
However, it's not something you can just read about. It's
not like memorizing the chemical elements, or listening to a
beautiful piece of music and appreciating it, or taking
notes at a one-day seminar. It requires identifying the
skills, understanding what they look like in use, and then
practicing them in real-life situations, with constructive
feedback, and practice.

Becoming mindful, and have many choices in your mental,
physical, mental and behavioral repertoire will give you the
edge. If you find you often turn left when you should've
turned right, or feel or have been called "clueless," or you
seem stuck and are unable to move forward, why not give it a
try? It's a lot better to be a self-enhancer than a
self-saboteur.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .
Susan is the creator of The EQ Foundation Course, and
coaches offers coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around
emotional intelligence for your success. She trains and
certifies EQ coaches internationally. For FREE ezine
mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put "ezine" for subject line.