A Brief Biography of Richard Branson

Sir Richard Charles Nicholas Branson, in addition to having an extremely pretentious name, is also an entrepreneur who is well-known for his multi-faceted Virgin brand. Because he is a multi-billionaire, it is safe to say he is not a virgin, despite the somewhat misleading name of his company. Unless, of course, he chose celibacy at a young age. That is none of our business, though. Speaking of business, that's something Branson, who first found success at the tender age of fifteen, knows a thing or ten about.

Richard Branson is not your typical multi-billionaire. His path to success involved publishing a magazine and starting a mail-order business as a teenager, building the money to open the flagship storefront of the wildly popular chain stores, Virgin Records. Yep… that's what it was called in the old days. You want to know how good the so-called "Rebel Billionaire" is? He now owns Virgin Megastores. Owning a chain of highly-successful record stores is nice and all, but not for Richard Branson. He's a distinguished man who doesn't play around - he owns Megastores, and you should not mess with him. Many people consider Branson, who is worth nearly $8 billion, to be similar to a caged tiger. In other words: do not taunt Richard Branson.

One such man who dared taunt the caged tiger was television personality Stephen Colbert. Do I even have to tell you what happened? Okay, I will. He got bitten. Sir Branson honored the egotistical talk show host with one of the greatest honors known to man: he named a new Virgin aircraft after him. Yes, Richard Branson also owns Virgin Airlines. I bet you thought he was a one-trick pony, all megastore this, megastore that. Well, you're dead wrong. He has his eyes on the prize and his hands in many different ventures. That's why he's a billionaire, and you're not. But I digress.

Sir Branson named an aircraft after New Jersey native Stephen Colbert and even made a rare and exciting appearance on "The Colbert Report." While the audience was basking in his glory, the host decided to have some fun with Branson in an interview that was decidedly tense and even the show labeled a "trainwreck." After some comments that ruffled the feathers of the host, he did the unthinkable and splashed Richard Branson with a cup of water, if you can believe that! Shockingly, Branson did not call for "pistols at dawn," and simply threw water back at the host before the interview abruptly ended.

To further explain why Richard Branson may well be one of the most amazing entrepreneurs to walk the earth [though some suspect he glides an inch or two above the surface, this has not been confirmed due to his stealthy nature], a list of his most successful business ventures is necessary.

Virgin Records
Only the greatest bands are signed to this label. All other labels pale in comparison, and as such, all bands who record albums should release them on Virgin Records.

Virgin Airlines
Every time you get on a plane, you trust your life and safety to the company. You can trust Richard Branson.

Virgin Trains
Trains are safer than airplanes, but train wrecks can happen, so you should choose the proper railway when traveling. Again, you can trust Richard Branson.

Virgin Cola
If it's good enough for the Rebel Billionaire to drink, it's good enough for us to drink. If you don't like it, chances are your palate is defective.

Virgin Mobile
You need a phone, you want to make phone calls and keep in touch with people. I dare you to find a better phone company, with better phones, and add-ons such as super cameras and the hottest Virgin Mobile ringtones. You can't, can you?

Virgin Galactic
That's right, Richard Branson is involved with space travel. There's a reason why he is, as well. Because he's Richard Branson, and he does what he wants.

As you can see, Richard Branson is one of the most spectacular people to ever live. Considering the amount of money he has amassed, as well as his connections, and how essential he is to all of our lives, there is at least a 77% chance that someone [probably the man himself] will invent the technology to keep him alive forever. As commoners, we can only hope that comes to pass. Long live Richard Branson!