Ladies, there is one thing at which men are much better than us, and that is enjoying a relationship for what it is at any given moment.
They don't need to identify, quantify, define, or otherwise label things.
They remain enjoying whatever it is you're doing at any given point in time.
I learned this fine art of enjoying the moment from a very special man friend after I had engaged in many neurotic and meaningless attempts to define our relationship.
In addition to labeling everything, I also always insisted on knowing what the "next" was going to be – when we were next going to get together, what we were going to do, and so on.
Beware the Obsessive Compulsive Mode
Please don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with looking forward to your next meeting with a special gent.
But what is damaging is when you get into the obsessive compulsive mode about it, which let's be honest, many of us do.
For me and my friend it went something like this.
One evening I engaged us in my monthly friendship discussion, turning both of us inside out nailing what we were:
Friends?
Lovers?
Exclusive?
Committed?
Indeed, there we were, candles glowing, fine wine, good food – all in front of us at that very moment, and there I was, obsessively focused on trying to define something that really defied defining.
My "person" (we DID agree on this term) threw his hands up in the air, and said, "Maybe if you stopped trying to quantify everything and let it be, I could relax and who knows what will happen?"
For some reason his words struck home.
I stopped dead in my tracks, and simply, meekly, said "Okay."
Quit Forcing and Start Focusing: On YOU
But inside I was awash with thoughts and realizations.
Back off, I thought.
Quit forcing things.
Focus on your own stuff.
I began to get excited about a writing project I'd held on the back burner for many months.
I began to feel good about myself as a writer, a runner, a horsewoman, and a dog rescuer rather than focusing all my identity on being my friend's person.
What a cataclysmic shift I had inside; what an amazing change there was in our friendship.
Suddenly I let go of everything.
I quit wearing makeup all the time when we were together;
I stopped worrying if I gained an extra pound or two;
I said no sometimes when he asked me to get together – only because I had plans, not to play games; and I had my hair cut the way I wanted, not the way he liked it.
I felt fantastic!
I suddenly felt like I was back in control of my life.
I was doing things I enjoyed.
I reclaimed my lost identity.
I felt happy, calm, and confident.
The Cataclysmic Change
And you know what?
Things changed drastically.
Instead of his daily ration of contacting me just once a day, now he called two and three times.
In addition, he suddenly wanted to see me almost daily – even if for just a cup of coffee or a quick kiss on the doorstep when he dropped something off at my house.
When we were together, my neurotic need to define was gone, because now I knew that I was cool on my own, with myself, and that I didn't need him to tell me who I was or what we were.
We soared.
We had fun.
We actually pitched a tent in the living room in the middle of January, complete with flashlights, for a campout.
And of course there was the clambake replete with palm trees (they sell them in Wal-Mart every January), Bob Marley music, and William Asher, Annette Funicello, and Frankie Avalon in "Beach Blanket Bingo."
So, the point of this little story is to lighten up.
Relax.
Forget trying to force him to define things.
Define yourself instead.
And for goodness sake – HAVE FUN!!!!
About the author:
This article is one of Dating Coach Paula Snowsill, she is an experienced
adviser for women, that seek solutions to their Dating woes.
Paula runs a Blog under the name of
www.Paula-Snowsill.com