I don't know any parents that look into the eyes of a newborn baby and say,
How can we screw this kid up. (Russell Bishop)
This morning was one of the many in which I wondered about the combination
of being a parent and a friend. There are so many sources that will tell you
that the best way of being a parent is to be a friend to your children as
well, so that they will trust you enough to share their troubles with you.
And once that multi-dimensional relationship is established, you will be
able to monitor the way your child can handle his or her issues better.
I donÆt think that there is any parent that would disagree with this
statement. After all: who wants to maintain a distance with his or her
children and run the risk of not knowing what drives them to certain
actions?
Howeverùand hereÆs my dilemmaùit is not always an easy task to be a childÆs
parent and friend at the same time. Especially when the child reaches
adolescence or young adulthood, for thatÆs when issues of youthful cruelty
expand to serious proportions, and your life-experienced opinions start to
collide with those of your offspring.
An example? Imagine your 15-year-old son complaining about a bully in
school. You energetically start instructing him about handling this pitiless
character, and it works wellà until, one day, your son introduces you to his
new best friend: the bully! Now, an optimistic soul may hope that the bully
has realized his nastiness and changed his ways, but experience has taught
us that such is an unlikely scheme. Bullies are out to control, and the
victims usually only become the bulliesÆ friends because itÆs easier to join
them than to fight them. Not because they are really such desirable friends.
So, here you are: knowing that your child is now in the hands of one who has
merciless control and can drive your young one to deeds that you would
prefer him to refrain from.
Another example: Imagine your 19-year-old daughter repeatedly pouring out
her heart about an emotionally and mentally abusive boyfriend. You listen,
pick up the pieces of her shattered self-esteem, and mend them: Time and
again. You keep talking to her, and explain from your own life experiences
how crucial it is to break the ties with an emotional abuser while it is
still relatively easy: that is, before there are children involved. However,
your young one also expects you to be her understanding friend when she
wants to hang out with this despicable creature again. For thatÆs what a
friend would do, right?
But what would a parent do? Just shake his or her head and watch the
youngster maneuver him- or herself in a hopeless situation again?
You know, the parents among the readers who have younger or older children
than the ones in the so-called difficult age-area described above, may be
fast with their judgments: either because they have not been there yet, or
because they, like most people, have decided to forget what was too painful
to remember. Thus, these parents will have all kinds of wise advices for
you.
But "having children makes one no more a parent than having a piano makes
you a pianist," says Michael Levine. To me, that underscores the truth that
there is no single right way of raising your children. One can have 5
youngsters at home, and all 5 may require a different approach. Some kids
hardly need any direction; others will need more guidance when theyÆre
little, yet others may need more supervision as they mature. Some kids,
again, may require micro-guidance at all times, while others should rather
be let free to find their own way.
So, who can tell whatÆs the right approach toward raising children? There
are so many adults out there who never had appropriate care as a child and
still turned into excellent members of society. And there are just as many
adults who had a lot of attention during childhood, yet turned out to be
appalling characters.
I guess I agree with Elizabeth GaskellÆs statement that a wise parent humors
the desire for independent action, so as to become the friend and advisor
when his absolute rule shall cease.
So, my conclusion is, then, that, if you want to do a good job as a parent,
the best way is to listen and to communicate. And to tell your children that
you want to be their friend, but that you are their parent as well, and that
they cannot expect the impossible from you, which would be: shrugging when
they make the same mistake over and over again. Yes, you will not turn your
back upon your child under any circumstance, but the perspectives have to be
set straight. Period.
Children
You can stare all you want
Be stricken by daunt:
Your children
Have their own life
Once they leave your nest.
And as troubles occur
When you least prefer
They will call you
And ask for your ear
To get the worries of their chest.
Your heart keeps ticking
Your hands continue their work
And through the mechanics of your actions
You will be caught
By the thought
That having children is a blessing
But so is
Having not.
Joan Marques, Burbank, March 5, 2004
---------------------------------------------------
About the Author:
Joan Marques, holds an MBA, is a doctoral candidate in Organizational
Leadership, and a university instructor in Business and Management in
Burbank, California. You may visit her web site at www.joanmarques.com
Joan's manual "Feel Good About Yourself," a six part series to get you over
the bumps in life and onto success, can be purchased and downloaded at:
http://www.non-books.com/FeelGoodSeries.html
-----------------------------------------------------
It is better to live in serene poverty than in hectic abundance. Everything
has a price. The price for nurturing your soul is turning away from
excessive stress, destruction of self-respect, and the constant strive in
lifestyle with the Joneses. But itÆs worth it.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]