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SURVIVING A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY:
Ten Ways To Make Peace With The Past
And Create A New Future
Everyone comes into life with a purpose. You are a unique
expression of the universal life force at the foundation of
your physical form. Spirit guides you from the moment your
life begins, and the people and events of your life reflect
your spirit's journey. No one else ever has or will affect
the world as you do. With every act, word or thought, you
are adding to All-That-Is.
Your family is your first and most influential bond. What
you learn from them colors the the way you see yourself and
the world. As a child, your physical helplessness makes you
dependent on the people closest to you for survival. Too
often those relationships are destructive instead of
supportive. The family you join already has tendencies:
patterns, beliefs, and attitudes which they expect you to
share. Going along gets you what you need, so you adapt to
fit in. But when you ignore your instincts, you don't feel
right. You create the opposite of what you intend.
The good news is you don't have to be a victim of your
upbringing. Although a dysfunctional family can crush your
self-esteem, confuse you, and wreck your relationships, the
distortion of your natural instincts can be reversed. Your
problems can show you what you don't want and inspire you to
go after what you'd rather have, so you can set yourself
free to become the person you want to be and create the life
you dream of.
Surviving a dysfunctional family doesn't necessarily mean
getting along better with your relatives. You make peace
with the past by treating difficult situations, thoughts,
and feelings as opportunities to unravel the knots in your
heart and mind that keep you from realizing your dreams. You
create a new future by drawing on your innate wisdom to help
you overcome obstacles and achieve your goals. When you do
your best, you tap into a power that's been within you all
along, in even the worst circumstances, even when you
weren't aware of it.
No matter what happens, trust that what you go through will
enlighten you. Don't be discouraged. The most important
thing is dedication to trying new things and learning from
your experience. Change doesn't happen overnightůit comes
little by little, more and more, deepening your ability to
love, create, and make a difference personally and in
society.
So how do you go about doing this? Here are ten ways to
spark change in your life and relationships:
1. SET A NEW COURSE
Finding your own preferences
Your new course is first an internal one, which paves the
way for external changes. If you're not satisfied with your
life as it is, start by imagining that it can get better.
What happens in your life is largely up to you, so make it a
priority to figure out how to create what you want.
Take time every day to think about what you want. Be
willing to try new things. Pay close attention to ideas and
feelings that light you up. Courage is accepting reality as it
is and working with it to create what you want. Allow
yourself to feel excited about your possibilities. What you
dedicate yourself to, you can create.
2. TRUST YOUR INTUITION
Tapping into your inner wisdom
When you hear the "little voice of wisdom" inside, listen.
Within you is a guidance system that makes itself known
through your ideas and emotions. Trust it. Life can be
confusing, and some people do try to manipulate you in
devious ways. If something doesn't feel right, it may mean
that it's not for you.
Wonder about why not, and what you'd like instead.
Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Your instinct leads
you to where you need to go at the perfect moment for
the best results. Stand your ground. Believe in yourself
in the face of criticism. No one else can tell you what you
need or want. Have good intentions. Don't second-guess
yourself. Do what you think is best at the moment.
3. LOOK FOR A SILVER LINING
Developing a positive attitude
Spirit underlies everything. You are part of the universal
creative energy. You didn't come here to prove your worth or
to find a problem and fix it. You came to express your
talents and abilities, to realize your dreams. What you
experience depends on how you look at it. How you interpret
things plays a large part in shaping your behavior and how
others treat you. Search for the positive. Focusing on the
negative dulls your energy and ability to cope.
No matter how bad a situation seems, find something in it
to appreciate. Ask yourself, what good could come from this?
What can I learn here? The answers you get show you what to
do next. You already have inside you the resources to make
peace with the past and create a new future. You just have
to learn how to use them.
4. TAKE A STEP BACK
Separating motivation from unconscious patterns
Be on the lookout for destructive habitual patterns.
Noticing is the first step to breaking them. Don't fight
them, just observe your thoughts and feelings. The deeper
you go, the more you unravel the stuck places in your heart
and mind. Bring spirit into the process by inviting
metaphysical help in any form that works for you.
Be influenced by others' opinions only if they inspire you.
Criticism may be only an automatic response based in the
critic's own fears. You don't have to convince anyone of
your right to have your life as you want it.
5. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY
Developing effective communication
Tell the truth. Be kind. A little goes a long way. Speak
carefully. Emphasize the positive. Say good things,
especially to yourself. Be aware of your effect on others.
Don't assume you're being understoodůcheck it out. When you
realize you've made a mistake, apologize, face to face if
possible so you can look the other person in the eye. Don't
interrupt. Don't give advice unless you're asked. Don't
gossip. It wastes time you could be using to empower
yourself.
Choose your battles. If someone gets angry at
you, stop doing whatever triggers them no matter how right
you think you are, until you can find a better way to
communicate. Why make yourself a target? Know when to shut
up or decline to answer. Watch what you listen to. Don't
dismiss different points of view. Pay attention not only to
what someone saysůtry to understand why they're saying it.
Don't put up with disrespect, manipulation or negative
thinking from anyone, including yourself.
6. DON'T KEEP SCORE
Setting your own standards
Life isn't about success or failure. Although both teach
valuable lessons, fulfilling your potential is the essential
goal. Adversity can develop strength. If a dream sours, let
it go without judgment or remorse. Assume it's no longer
relevant, and look for new options. Even a losing battle can
be a stepping-stone to a better situation. Accepting change
brings peace of mind.
7. NO VICTIMS, NO VILLAINS
Every situation brings exactly what you need to wake up
Relationships are like jigsaw puzzles. All the pieces fit
together to create the whole. You are not responsible for
anyone else, nor are they for you. There's no guilt, no
blame, no shame. Allow things to be as they are. Accept each
moment as if you'd chosen it.
If someone hurts you, look for what you can learn from it.
Holding a grudge drains your energy. Forgiveness doesn't
mean it was okay with you; it means releasing the person's
power to upset you. You may never forget, but letting go
of resentment is more productive. This goes double for
forgiving yourself.
8. MEDITATE AND TREAT YOURSELF WELL
Nurture yourself
Make time to have fun and enjoy life. Take walks in nature.
Spend time alone. Exercise, rest and eat when you need to,
and drink lots of water. Something as simple as a warm bath
or good stretch can do wonders in improving your
perspective. Laugh. Let yourself dream your fondest dreams.
Celebrate your successes, big and small. Meditation calms
your conscious thinking mind, and helps you access your
inner wisdom. Counting your breaths is the basic form, or
you can silently repeat a soothing word or phrase like
"peace" or "well-being." When your mind wanders, and it
will, just bring your focus back and start over. Even ten
minutes a day can make a difference.
9. GET OUTSIDE HELP
See beyond your blind spots
Get counseling, either by yourself or with family members.
It helps to talk about your feelings, no matter how
embarrassing, strange or awful they seem to you. Find
someone you trust and feel compatible with, and be willing
to pour your heart out. An objective outsider can clear up
confusion and help you set your creative energy free.
Examine both sides of any issue. Don't follow advice
blindly, but do explore ideas that make sense to you to see
what happens. Join a group of people with similar interests
or circumstances to yours. Try art, sports, music, or dance
for fun and/or therapy. Read self-help books. Most have at
least some helpful nuggets, and can reassure you that you're
not alone. Don't expect The Answer, but serve yourself a
variety of ideas to take or leave as you like.
10. MOVE ON
Graduate to living fully
Respect your own boundaries. Your first commitment should
be to yourself and to learning as much as possible from what
happens to you. Only when you're at peace with yourself can
you make a real contribution to anyone. Live your own truth,
be honorable, and intend the best for everyone, including
yourself. Trying to change someone is futile, no matter how
much you care, or how badly you think they need it. You have
no control over what anyone else feels or thinks. Do what
you can, and do your best, but not at your own expense.
Working things through can be healing when there's mutual
respect, but if you feel hopeless, scapegoated, threatened
or frantic, retreat may be the only appropriate choice, at
least for the moment. It could be as basic as leaving the
room briefly, or as extreme as ending the relationship or
moving away. But be open to the possibility that the
"problem" person may surprise you. Your changes alter the
context of the relationship, so eventually they may come to
treat you differently. If so, you may want to renew the
relationship, but don't rush into it until you're confident
that things have changed. To leave your mark on future
generations, pass along what you learn.
I wish you healing, faith and the courage to make your
dreams come true.
Suzanne Gold (MA, Psychology), "The Family Fixer,"
(Pacific Sun) is a life counselor, spiritual coach, teacher, and
author of Daddy's Girls, Gold Medal winner in ForeWord
Magazine's Book of the Year Awards. A survivor of a
dysfunctional family, Suzanne teaches workshops, college
seminars, and in private practice. For more information, go to
http://www.SuzanneGold.com or
email Suzanne@...
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