Parenting is a complex subject: There are so many different theories about how to parent, the varied patterns, good and bad, we learnt from our own parents, the pressures that arise from the numerous role models we are exposed to in our information rich age and the many emotional layers of love, guilt and responsibility, to name a few.
But having children is the most natural thing in the world; therefore shouldn’t parenting be natural and intuitive too? Here is my commonsense view, which I will grandly title “natural parenting”:
1. Catch them doing it right. Animal trainers will tell you that they are far more effective training animals through rewards rather than punishment. Children will respond in the same way. Look for opportunities to recognise and reward your children when they are helpful, well behaved, bright, share etc. Make a big deal of it and your children will want to delight you again. Similarly if they get lots of attention from being naughty, they will be encouraged to be naughty again if they feel a need for further attention, regardless if it’s negative attention.
2. A parent’s role is to prepare their child to be independent. That preparation starts from the beginning. Give your child responsibility from the moment they can handle it, from learning to tie their own shoe to filling the dishwasher. Similarly, the best way to learn is from mistakes, if you wrap your child in cotton wool, you deny them this important learning opportunity. I think a good parent allows their child to scrape their knee and is there afterwards to give them a kiss and cuddle and talk about it, not to shield them from falling down.
3. Let the compliments flow. If your child does something, recognise and value it. If you call them bright, hardworking, pretty, fast, good, kind, funny, they will be, both in your eyes, and most importantly, in their own eyes. Your words play a big part in shaping your child’s description to themselves of who they are. Similarly, if you focus on the negatives, how they have disappointed you, done something stupid, lazy etc., and those labels equally have the potential to shape your child in negative ways.
4. Rely on your ears more than your mouth. Listen to your children first before commanding, criticising, demanding or instructing. Listening is the best way you can show that your respect them. It will slow you down so you respond in a measured and more thoughtful way. It also teaches your child how to communicate, express themselves and learn to influence. These types of social skills are far more predictive of success in life and career than IQ or technical skills.
5. Set clear limits and consistently hold to them. Children are preoccupied with understanding their world by testing its boundaries. If you waver on a limit, it encourages your child to continue to test you to locate where the line is. Not only is this unpleasant for you, it is also unsettling for your child who seeks the security of clear boundaries.
6. The relationship happens in the space between you and your child. Neither of you can own or control 100% of it. Sometimes the relationship might feel pretty awful but you can control part of the space between you, and if you can find the strength to love unconditionally, at some stage the relationship will move to a better place.
7. I read a study about different families who had “hot housed” their children in various ways to help them excel scholastically. All the children in the study burnt out eventually and lost any gains they might have made previously except in one family. In this family their children excelled dramatically in school and continued to excel throughout university and in life. What was the technique the parents used? Every time one of the parents did something that remotely interested their child they spent a great deal of time explaining or discussing it. From the workings of the Hoover to the headlines in the newspapers. Nothing was off limits and no amount of time or effort was too much to thoroughly explain and completely satisfy their child’s interest or curiosity. I think that is the prefect way to teach or children, grasp any moment when they are engaged and use it to teach them something.
That is the idea behind MindLab. MindLab uses board games to create an ideal environment for children to learn. Games are the perfect vehicle to engage children, raise their interest and curiosity. Once the children are engaged, our highly trained teachers can teach children the skills they need to succeed in life such as thinking, social and emotional intelligence skills.
8. One of my favourite quotes is from Ghandi who said “be the change you want to see in the world”. Perhaps I could rephrase that for parents by saying “be the change you want to see in your child”. Children study and learn more from parents do than from what they say. There best way for parents to teach their child is to be a model themselves of the behaviour, attitude, skills etc. they want to see in their child.
9. Most importantly, love your child unconditionally and they will flourish within the security of your unconditional love.
Happy parenting!
Suri Poulos
Managing Director, MindLab Europe
www.mindlabeurope.com
For more information or photos please contact:
Suri at MindLab on 01628 509021, suri@mindlabeurope.com or www.mindlabeurope.com.
Note to Editors:
MindLab is the worlds leading provider of life skills educations to children. Over two million pupils in 30 countries internationally have benefited from the MindLab programme. MindLab is a “green field” business opportunity both in the UK and across Europe.
MindLab franchisees run a highly successful after-school programme which uses board games from around the world to develop children’s thinking, problem-solving and interpersonal skills. The focus is to have fun yet MindLab also helps children to build better personal relationships, improve scholastically, and relate and cooperate with others. MindLab creates a positive outcome for parents, teachers, schools and kids alike.
The MindLab after school programme gives franchisees the opportunity to make a real difference to children’s development, their families and the wider community. MindLab also provides a like-minded community to support and guide franchisees as they grow their business, and a proven model to minimise the risk and fear of starting a new business.
Profile of the author
Suri Poulos, Managing Director of MindLab Europe, is an American by birth and has lived in the U.K. for over 21 years. She has had a varied career in sales, technical sales support, recruitment and executive search.
She has an MSc. in Counselling and Psychotherapy, a Masters of Business Administration and a Bachelors of Fine Arts.
Suri co-founded the consultancy, Poulos & Partners (www.poulosandpartners.com) in 1989. She has worked with senior executives providing a wide range of organisational and individual change initiatives such as executive coaching, team development and cultural change programmes.
In 2003 Suri and her husband Darrel and launched MindLab Europe in order to give children the same life enhancing skills and personal development they had provided adults in their successful consultancy practice.
Suri and her husband live in Henley-On-Thames with their four children