Breaking the Ice

By Alexandria Bachert

For years, Jeanne* dreaded receiving an invitation to her friend’s annual New Year’s Eve party. The 56-year-old Essex County writer, who has struggled with social anxiety since childhood, always found the holidays to be a difficult time. Events that should have been festive brought on extreme stress. “My first impulse was to not go, but I just bucked up and dragged myself to the party,” she says. “Once there, I would pour a stiff drink — that seemed to be the easiest way to deal with my anxiety.” Jeanne’s plan also included arriving late, keeping her husband or daughter at her side, and making a stealthy exit once the other guests were too busy mingling to notice her absence.

For people like Jeanne, social events — whether they’re large gatherings or intimate dinner parties — can bring on a debilitating series of symptoms: from a pounding heart and sweating palms to dizziness and hyperventilation. “It’s normal to have some anxiety when meeting new people or being in a large gathering, but the bigger social anxiety comes from the nature of the holidays — it’s like a family reunion that happens every year,” says Steven Brodsky, a psychologist in New Jersey and New York who specializes in the treatment of social anxiety. A person does not have to be shy to be affected, adds Karen Landsman, a psychologist in Westfield and Chatham. “Sometimes,” she says, “it’s the most successful-appearing people who are socially anxious.”

Social anxiety is the third-largest psychological problem in the world today, according to the Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Association. Fortunately, the condition is a manageable one. Here are nine tactics that can help you manage — or even dispel — your holiday-party anxiety.

1. Just Say No. The first step to surviving — and enjoying — the holidays is selecting what engagements are the most important to attend. Limiting your social calendar will allow you to concentrate on only the celebrations that really matter.

2. Do Some “Small Talk Homework.” Enter a party prepared to talk, not as a blank slate. Being armed with conversational topics — write them down if it helps — will take away the dread of being a wallflower or having to scramble to make conversation. “Take notes beforehand about a movie you just saw or a trip you went on,” Landsman suggests. Other topics to brush up on: current events, sports games, and local news. Also, ask the host about the other guests who are attending, then read up about topics that interest them. If you are hosting the party, make copies of the recipes you prepared. If a guest compliments your menu, you can use this as a conversation-starter. If you’re not confident in your small talk skills, try wearing a unique accessory that will allow you to steer the conversation into your comfort zone.

3. Team Up. Bringing a friend to an event can alleviate the anxiety spurred by being alone in a crowd — but don’t use your friend as a crutch. “Spend some time separate from your friend to let yourself get used to the situation,” Brodsky says, “then, periodically go back for a refuel of comfort level.”

4. Have a Game Plan. Just because the party is from 7 p.m. until midnight does not mean you need to be the first guest to arrive and the last one out the door. Barbara Altman, a social worker in Edgewater who specializes in anxiety disorders, advises setting a time limit you are comfortable with, such as one or two hours, as the minimum mingling time. If you find yourself enjoying the company, then stay. If not, you can leave and be proud that you accomplished your goal.

5. Lend a Hand. Giving yourself a role by helping the host is an effective way to ease the initial stress of being in a crowd. Offer to prepare food, take pictures, or whatever else the frazzled hostess needs assistance with, and you’ll find yourself mingling with purpose.

6. Avoid Alcohol and Caffeine. “The immediate effect of alcohol may be calming for most people, but as alcohol is metabolized by your body, it can cause anxiety-like symptoms,” says Jacqueline Gomes of the New Jersey Dietetic Association. “Alcohol is a depressant and will only further complicate issues of anxiety.” Gomes also suggests limiting caffeine intake to no more than eight ounces before attending a social function. “Caffeine-containing beverages such as coffee, tea, and sodas stimulate an adrenal response in your body, which can lead to feelings of anxiety or nervousness.” She also recommends lavender aromatherapy, which “may help reduce tension and create a soothing feeling of relaxation.”

7. Exercise Regularly. Physical activity releases endorphins, which decrease nerve impulses that cause anxiety. Any type of regular exercise, including walking, can produce calming effects, but exercise that promotes body awareness, such as yoga or Pilates, has added benefits. “Practicing yoga and meditation releases stress through movement of the body, combined with focused attention to breath, and focusing the mind on the present moment,” says Amy Gabrielle Witmyer of Sacred Space Yoga and Wellness in West Orange. Even practicing a few yoga exercises daily can reap rewards: The controlled breathing helps you to regulate your breath, increase the oxygen circulating in your body, and release tension from your muscles — all which create a heightened state of well-being. This improved mind–body connection will help you to more easily face situations that otherwise might have proven stressful.

8. Relax Yourself. Altman recommends recognizing when certain parts of your body are tense and do something about it. For example, she says, “Change your body language and posture, and make a facial expression that you feel communicates serenity. Also, when we are anxious, we can hyperventilate, which only increases our anxiety.” She suggests this simple anxiety release that you can do in the powder room when you feel symptoms coming on: “Do a couple relaxing movements such as shrugging your shoulders, relaxing them, then shrugging again. Controlled breathing releases the tension in your face and body. Breathe in and out through your nose or exhale with an open mouth. With each breath, try to match the length of each inhale and exhale. Then, lengthen the breath more and more until you have reached long, smooth breaths of about equal lengths.”

9. Seek Professional Help. If you still have trouble keeping your stress and anxiety at bay, a counselor trained in cognitive behavioral therapy can help you alter your thought process from negative to more positive. “This type of therapy helps to change thought patterns and physical reactions to anxiety-inducing situations,” Altman says. Find a professional at psychologynj.org.

Above all, remember you are in control. “This is a party; not a job interview or a trial. It’s supposed to be relaxing,” says Jeanne, who now manages her holiday anxieties by inquiring beforehand who will be attending and coming armed with conversational questions. “I still don’t love going to parties where I don’t know a lot of people, but I definitely have gotten better over the years,” she says. “I now find that I enjoy them more and I tend not to need to have a drink in my hand or a friend at my side.”

Research has shown that cognitive-behavioral therapy for social anxiety has a high success rate.

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