Hi. I'm back. What can I say? I don't know where to begin. How you doin? How are things? Is everyone getting along O.K.?
I guess that first of all I should speak to the 2 billion Christian people on Earth today, Dec. 3, 2005. I don't know whether to slip into my loving persona, my crack the whip persona, my silent persona, or my humorous persona. What I am certain of this: No matter what I say, no one will believe that it is me. Not one Christian person on Earth will believe that I am your Messiah Jesus Christ come again. You can take that to the bank. Of the Jordan River.
Every Christian person will now whip out their Holy Bible, and begin to quote the countless passages proving that I am not who I say I am. "Many false prophets will come in my name. Do not heed them. They are the Antichrist. Do not change one word, not one comma, not one punctuation mark in your Holy Bible or else all of the 2,666 curses listed in your Holy Bible will fall upon you and your children." I will be cursed as a blasphemer, again, by my own people. Fortunately crucifixion and stoning seems to have gone out of style for Messiahs these days. People seem to be content enough hurling insults: "You're insane, you're delusional, you're schizophrenic, You're possessed by Satan."
The Dalai Lama said, "Sometimes not getting what you want is the greatest stroke of fortune ever." That is so true. If some people began to believe that I truly was Jesus Christ come again, then the vast majority of Christian people would rise up and murder me instantly as the prophesized Antichrist False Prophet and my life wouldn't be worth a plugged nickel. What's a plugged nickel? I've heard of a plugged lie. What's the rule on that?
The reason that no Christian will believe that it is me (thank God for spell check) is because every Christian person expects me to come flying down from Heaven on my flying white horse, defeat the armies of Satan on their flying horses, and instantly usher in an era of Peace on Earth for a thousand years. And you have the absolute gall to call me crazy? Did you know that your Holy Bibles were first written in Greek by Greek authors hundreds of years after I died? Did you know that this fable in your book of Revelations is an absolute plagiarism of the Greek Myth of Prince Bellerophon and his flying horse Pegasus defeating the part snake part lion part the Red Sea Moses fable, part goat Chimera? Did you know that the God who was immaculately conceived by a white dove and danced upon the water was the Greek Goddess creator of all things, Eurynome? Eurynome isn't even in the spell check dictionary. A Goddess. The Goddess. How quickly they forget. If you don't believe me, Google it. The thing that really irritates me is that I can't get a date with a Christian woman on Match.com because I was born Jewish, again. Like it's my fault. She wants a guy who loves Jesus. Not a guy who is Jesus. You could brech.
O.K. Now let me address my 1 billion Muslim followers who also believe that I was the Messiah, born to a Virgin, Mary, and are all also eagerly awaiting my return to save life on Earth. Salaam. Mee on Rye. The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said endlessly in the Koran, "One day God will bring you all together, Muslims, Christians, Jews, and Everyone else, for God is All Powerful. Watch for the signs!" The Prophet Isaiah listed the signs of the return of the Messiah: The Messiah was to be accompanied by great rocks of hail (the breaking up of the Antarctic Iceberg, and 33% of the Arctic Iceberg) and he was to break down a wall, a levee, with a destroying tempest and an overflowing flood of water. (the Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina knocking down the New Orleans levees). Four signs of Biblical proportions, North South East and West. I have a message for you from Allah, or a spirit claiming to be Him/Her: "To Muslim man and woman, I love you all, but how can you destroy the Jew, this is not love." At least it rhymes.
Now let me address the Jewish people. The spirit living inside of me was King David in 1000 BC also. Then it was Joshua 2000 years ago. Now it is me 2000 years later. Do you see the 1000 year increments? God said to King David, "1000 years to you is but one day to me." When you "die" time changes. Psalm 2 states that the Messiah would come and conquer the world for his people. So far I have 2 billion Christian and 1 billion Muslim "followers", (I use the term loosely). How am I doing so far? Nice religion you have going there. I certainly would want to join it. I warned you, "How can you escape from the fire?" Judaism was invented by Abraham 4 thousand years ago. Lets look at your last thousand years: 1,000 years ago the Jewish people were slaughtered in the Crusades. Then the Jewish men, women, and children were massacred in the 300 year Inquisition. Then the Jewish people were raped and killed in the Pogroms. Next 6 million of you were shot dead into ditches and gassed to death in the Holocaust, "The War Against the Jews", all of this for murdering Jesus. Now the 1 billion Muslims surrounding the 3 million Jews in Israel are about to incinerate it with a barrage of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons. Judaism is Jonestown times a billion. God said through Prophet Isaiah that "your Bible writers were building for you a shelter of lies and falsehoods, in order that you may go and fall backwards and be broken and ensnared and taken." God called the Torah, the five books of Moses, the foundation cornerstone of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam a forgery, signed "God", all except for the 10 commandments, right in your Holy Bibles of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. "They say says the Lord, when I have not sent them, says the Lord God", through the Prophet Ezekiel. Jesus called the Holy Bible a total forgery, "commandments of men, signed God." He vowed that upon his return he would command all of his angels to throw the Holy Bibles into the fire, all except for God's 2 tablets. That went over big.
What is the lesson of the cross? The lesson of the cross is that God would not lift one finger to save his own son from the cross. If God was not willing to save his own son, then why would he save you, who have broken every commandment, by endlessly murdering each other and poisoning to death the very parts you all are made of with cancer causing chemicals, the air, water, and earth? According to the Prophet Malachi, the word Messiah means "Messenger", not "flying jockey". It is up to you all to save yourselves. Fortunately, I am not completely useless. I have brought you the blueprint for saving yourselves from the fast approaching Apocalypse, the sudden violent murder of all life on Earth forever at your hands. I have established a world wide religion and political party while you all slept, which makes Peace among the Christian, Muslim, and Jewish followers of God of Mount Sinai, and Everyone else, by tying them together with their common threads and resolving all of their differences once and for all. Naturally I was curious to discover who murdered me 2,000 years ago, and the answer is no one. I prove it to you definitively once and for all, with Biblical citations, and new evidence.
This whole Messiah thing started when I tried to get the Jewish people off the hook for murdering me, the root cause of anti-Semitism. I knew that wouldn't be enough, that I had to unite the Christians, Muslims, and Jews, and Everyone else. Then I had to get it out to the whole world in an educational yet entertaining way. I have done all of this. The problem now is that nobody wants to come. They are all too busy at their porn and poker and dating websites. Perhaps it's my fault. Perhaps I should have brought back the Temple prostitutes, as in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 600 BC, with free live webcam chat, and internet poker and cyber dating and burgers and fries and Coors Lite at The Temple of Love, and then maybe some of you would have come. I'm sorry I failed you. I know that I'm a big disappointment to you all. Please forgive me. I tried my best. Good luck to you all, you're going to need it, on your present heading. You have passed the point of no return. The writing is on the wall. You're finished. The Christians don't want to know from me, the Muslims don't want to know from me, and the Jews don't want to know from me, exactly like 2000 years ago. It's like an instant replay of the Last Super Bowl, on those big screens, minus the Dallas Cowgirls lathering up on those shower voyeur cams. As if nobody knows the camera is there.