I was working with couple the other day and the discussion turned to the issue of expectations. As they discussed how anger arose in their lives it appeared that for them the source of their conflict was not communicating expectations. This got me to thinking about the role of expectations in anger management. If one accepts the prevailing idea that anger is a secondary emotion that is 100 percent driven by emotions like fear, disappointment and confusion, it will be easy to see how not being aware of our own expectation or not communication expectations may have a major role in anger outburst.

Let’s take a simple example. As a young girl Mary is use to receive having huge celebrations at every birthday. In her first year of marriage her husband buys her a card and says happy birthday day-THAT’S IT. Mary in an automatic reaction flips out on Bill her husband accusing him of not taking her birthday seriously. An argument ensues which leave both Bill and Mary at the furthest end of their full size bed.

This simple example illustrates a complex problem. Mary’s expectation was that she would have been thrown a huge surprise party—especially in her first year of marriage. She expressed rage but at the core of this was disappointment. Unfortunately she was not able to truly communicate this need to Bill in an appropriate manner. If Mary was clear about her expectations at the very least we would have been able to communicate this to Bill and they would have been able to reach a compromise on how to celebrate birthdays.

Well designed anger management will take expectations into account. So many times individual’s expectations are not met and what follows is aggression as apposed to constructive dialogue. The Anderson and Anderson anger management model is designed to not only address anger management but stress management, communication skills and emotional intelligence which is where the issue of expectations can be address.

To find a certified provider in your area who can help address anger management challenges visits www.anger-management-resources.org


Carlos Todd, LPC, NCC, CAMF

President of the American Association of Anger Management Providers

Carlos Todd is an Anderson and Anderson Anger management provider in North Carolina

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www.anger-management-resources.org