By Ron Huxley, LMFT
While most children were anxiously waiting for the school year to
end, Jonathan was simply anxious. Although most boys loved traveling
across the country during their vacation, Jonathan dreaded the annual
trek to see his father. It wasn't that he didn't love his father or
enjoy being with him. It was the other children, from his father's
new marriage, that he didn't like. He felt like he was no longer his
fathers son and that his dad loved them more than him. And to top it
off, he wouldn't get to see his friends or his mother for almost ten
weeks.
Jonathan's parents had divorced and his father had moved to another
state. He only saw his father during Christmas and summer vacations.
His father would send birthday cards and occasional letters. And with
the invention of email, he could type off a quick note anytime he or
his dad wanted. But that didn't make the situation easier for him. In
some ways, it only made a hard situation harder.
It was no summer picnic for Jonathan's father either. Instead of
feeling excitement about seeing his son, he felt anger and resentment
that was often channeled toward his ex-wife, whom he blamed for the
custody arrangements. "I never realized how hard divorce could be,"
exclaimed Jonathan's father. "And getting remarried has only made it
worse. Now I am stuck in the middle of two sets of frustrated
families."
Wounds of Divorce
Regardless of the reasons, divorce hurts! Any separation between two
connected people will cause emotional wounding when pulled apart.
Like any wound, the traumatized area must be cleaned and cared for if
healing is going to be possible. The more dirt slung between divorced
parents, through verbal and physical fights or nasty legal battles,
the more infection in the relationship between parent and child will
develop.
Jonathan's father moved across the country because of a great job
offeraor at least, that was what he told everyone. The job was great
but the real reason was that he couldn't get along with Jonathan's
mother and he just needed to leave and start over again.
Unfortunately, that left Jonathan behind.
"In retrospect, I would have stayed, regardless of the situation,"
admits Jonathan's father. "At the time, the hurt was too much to
stand. I didn't want the divorce and his mother's new boyfriend was
just salt in the wound. Rather that continue to argue and waste money
on lawyers, I decided to leave."
Parents who have a long-distance relationship must address the wounds
of divorce. Cleaning out a wound is painful but necessary. Similarly,
letting go of old hurts and memories is important for healing and
growth. Jonathan relates that his first summer with his dad in his
new home was fun: "We went out to eat, the movies, miniature golf,
and then my dad started pumping me for information on my mom and her
boyfriend. I just wanted to be with my dad."
When parents do not deal with their own issues, children suffer all
over again and their own wounds are not allowed to heal. Summer time
parents need to take care of themselves, throughout the entire year,
so that they can enjoy the time with their children. Parents can do
this by consulting with a professional, developing a strong network
of friends, exercising regularly and eating right.
Reassurances and Permissions
Major changes are frightening to young children. The loss of a parent
creates fears of loss of food and shelter, being forgotten, attacked,
punished, or unloved. While this might seem irrational to a parent,
it is a real concern for the child. Children need reassurances that
these things will continue to be in his or her life and most
importantly, that they are loved. Don't make promises that things
will go back to the way they were or be just as good. That is one
promise parents can't deliver and it breaks down a child's trust.
Simply offer a verbal hug of hopefulness that the future will be
secure and safe.
In addition to the reassurances, children often need permission to
let go of the guilt that attaches itself to living with the school
year parents and visiting the summer parent. Both parents need to
tell the child that it is okay that they are going. Be honest about
missing the child but save the wailing and cloth ripping to another
time and place.
Permission giving helps to untangle the loyalty binds that children
get caught up in after divorce. Don't ask a lot of questions about
the other parent and their life back home. If the child wants to talk
about, fine. But don't start and investigation and definitely, keep
your opinion of the other parents life to yourself. Children feel
they are disloyal to one parent by staying with and loving another
parent. This problem is rooted in the concrete thinking styles of
school-age children. It is a developmental issue that can't be
exorcised and must be adjusted to.
Creative communication
The key to being a successful summer parent is regular communication
during the other months of the year. Because it is difficult for the
parent who moves away to watch the child grow up, predictable and
consistent communication in the form of phone calls, letters,
postcards, email, photos, and tape recordings. Too many parents spend
their time on the phone or in letters mourning the time they are
apart or how much they miss the child. This retraumatizes the child
and makes the parent look pathetic. If it has to be said, say it one
time and move on. Focus the intercourse on what is going on in your
and your child's life. Make plans for the upcoming visit and
discussing emotional issues important to the child. Stay away from
morbid meanderings.
Make the communications short and newsworthy. One page letter talking
about how the dog ate your favorite shoe or describing a beautiful
sunset will make a better connection between parent and child than a
long, boring letter that lists every detail of the week. Email is
also a great way to communicate as the medium itself is geared toward
brief, informal notes. And the instantaneous nature of the format
makes frequent communication practical.
Try alternative mediums. If the parent or the child is not a "letter
writer" try using a tape recording. Buy a compact recorder and walk
around for a day recording various activities and thoughts. Capture
the sounds of the dog eating your shoe or describe the sunset as you
look out the back window. Another idea is to buy a Polaroid camera
and take picture of the new house and neighborhood as send those (by
email or snail mail) to the child. Alternative forms of communication
can add a little more color and life to dry words on paper and bring
the child and parent closer together emotionally.
If you life really creative ideas, create a project or play a game
across the time zones. Read a sport article or watch a favorite
television program and then discuss it later on the phone or by (e)
mail. Keep separate journals that are exchanged during the visits.
Create an online web page with both parent and child as co-
webmasters. Play a game of checkers (with two sets) and give the
moves to each other during your communications. Make up a "sharing
box" where you put mementos and little treasures for the other person
to look at and discuss when together. Start a garden or acquire an
aquarium and get advice on what to plant and how to care for the fish
from the other person. Creative ideas, such as these, foster family
solidarity despite time and place. It makes the relationship feel
real and alive and that is important to parent and child.
School connections
Summer parents feel out of touch when it comes to the child's life at
school. Request to be put on the school's mailing list or give the
child's teacher an email address to update the distant parent on
activities and progress. Many schools and teachers have web sites set
up so parents can view their child's itinerary and grades. Knowing
what is going on at the child's school allows parents to ask
intelligent questions to the child about upcoming field trips and
school projects. The child will also feel that the parent cares about
him or her. Parents can make similar connections with doctors,
therapists, and coaches.
Jonathan and his father still miss each other but their relationship
has blossomed despite the distance. They are routing for the same
baseball team and are working on a go-cart that Jonathan and his new
siblings will race during the summer at a track near the father's
house. "I started taking pictures of the engine as I dismantled it
and I scan and send them out each week by email to Jonathan. He told
me last night that he has started a scrapbook with all the pictures
in them. When he gets here, the go-cart should be all put together
and we can paint it together," explains his father.
Geography doesn't have to separate parents and children emotionally.
Summer-time parents can keep the relationship alive during the school
year so that they look forward to being together and can pick up
where they left off. "Jonathan has an excitement in his voice when we
talk about our time together. That is the biggest gift I could ever
receive!"
Ron Huxley is the founder of the http://www.ParentingToolbox.com and
http://www.AngerToolbox.com websites. Join his free newsletter at
http://parentingtoolbox.com/join.html for more great parenting tools.