By Ron Huxley
Experience with anger may leave you with the idea that all anger is
bad. Yelling at your children for cooperation doesn't leave you
feeling very positively. Watching your children fight when they are
angry doesn't give you any warm feelings either. But, anger does have
it's purpose in our lives and can teach us a thing or two about how
to have healthier, happier relationships.
Here are five ways that anger can be a good thing:
1. Anger protects. When your child is in danger your mind will
automatically kick into a "fight or flight" reaction that can result
in anger. You don't have time to stop and ponder a course of action
when your child is in the middle of the street! Anger short cuts our
thinking brain to allow us to act quickly. This is natures way of
protecting your family from harm.
2. Anger signals. The purpose of anger is to destroy problems in our
lives, not our relationships. When something needs to dramatically
change, anger not only lets you know but it gives you the power to do
something about it. For example, if your child's doctor wont listen
to your concerns, getting angry can stir things up and get a problem
diagnosed and solved.
3. Anger rules. Your child left his toys all over the house again!
Tired of yelling at your child to get his cooperation. That only
reinforces the annoying behavior. Your anger may be telling you that
expectations are too high, the rule is not clear enough, or that you
are not following through on consequences consistently. Use the
energy of your anger to communicate the rule (again) and then follow
it up with consistent, age appropriate discipline.
4. Anger talks. What we say to ourselves affects our emotional state.
If we tell ourselves we are bad parents then we may act like bad
parents. If we tell ourselves we are doing the best we can under
stressful circumstances we will react with less hostility and
frustration. Practice listening to that little "anger voice" and
challenge some of the misperceptions you hold of yourself and your
child. Ask some honest friends to help you be objective in your inner
inventory. If want you are saying to yourself is true, use this
information to make changes in your parent/child relationship.
5. Anger teaches. Our anger management styles are learned from our
own parents. If Mom was a yeller, we may follow her example, even if
we vowed never to yell at your kids. Fortunately, if you learned one
anger expression style you can learn another. Separate the idea that
feeling anger is bad. That is natural and unavoidable but what you do
with those hot emotions is completely under your control -- with some
practice. Allow yourself permission to find new ways to cope with
daily parenting hassles by taking a class or reading a book on anger
management.
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