by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
Circulating the Internet not long ago was a wonderful piece
on children's definitions of love. One child said, "I know someone loves me when my name feels safe in their mouth." There's nothing sweeter than to hear our name in love. Naming your child is one of the first important acts you perform for them.
Naming things gives us a sense of mastery. Remember the Creation story in the Bible? It's all about naming things, and about creating order out of chaos. To be named gives us a sense of self. Remember the first time your toddler named himself by his own name – the great "I am." My friends' son announced one day, "I go store and I ARE JOHN."
But what "self" are you giving your child when you name him
or her?
Steven D. Levitt, talks about names in his book
"Freakonomics." He quotes a family court judge who couldn't help but notice "the strange names borne by some offenders," like Temptress, a girl who was charged with "ungovernable behavior," which included bringing men into the home while the mother was at work.
He took the mother aside and asked her why she had named
her daughter Temptress. She said she liked the actress on
The Cosby Show. The judge informed her the actress' name
was actually Tempestt Bledsoe (not that I'd name a daughter "Tempest" either!). She said she hadn't known that at the time.
Then he asked the mother if she knew what the word
"temptress" meant. She said she hadn't at the time, but
found out later.
The judge mentioned another family that gave their child a madeup name – from the acronym of the hospital where the child was born.
One would imagine these folks put more time and thought into choosing a car than in choosing their child's name.
Levitt talks about names that have economic repercussions,
the point being that while some parents make up names for
their children, most names in the US come from other
languages and have meanings and/or connotations. These meanings are in the collective unconscious (Jungian term), even if, like Temptress' mother, you are mindless.
I'm reminded of the child psychologist who told me he was seeing a girl who was an identical twin. The parents had named the twin girls Sugar and Spice. Guess which one was in counseling?
What you name your children is important, in itself and also
in terms of sibling rivalry. Let's take for example when
there are two sons. This issue is confronted head-on when
the British refer to Henry and Will as "the heir and the spare."
In patrilineal cultures, the possessions belong to the
father and when he dies, they go to the firstborn son. In feudal times, the first son got the land and the title and was a lord, the second son went into the military, and the third son (having no possessions whatsoever) went into the monastery. We honor this old idea when we name the first son "Jr." The idea is that the first son is more important.
I looked up the meanings of the names of some of the first
and second sons I know and look what I came up with. Watch
the progression from a name with an aggressive meaning, to
the name of a neutral or inanimate object, to something spiritual.
Gerald – spear warrior
John – gift of God
Neil – champion
Samuel – asked of God, or God listens
Rod – famous ruler
Brad – from the broad meadow
Marshall – keeper of horses
Chester – from the fortified camp
Neil – champion
Bruce – woodlands
Robert – bright fame
John – gift of God
Ronald – powerful, mighty
Donald – brown stranger
Bryan – the strong
Kevin – gentle, lovable
Robert – bright fame
John – gift of God
Doug – from the dark water
John – gift of God
In the case of the heir to the throne of Great Britain (William), and the spare (Harry), Charles and Diana were no exception. William means resolute guardian, and Harry means army-power.
What about this second child of the same sex, the one who doesn't have any photos in the baby book, etc.?
The cry of all young siblings is "That's not fair!"
Whatever it is they're comparing, likely isn't "fair," as
there are things in life we can't choose that aren't fair.
The child with the red hair wants to be blond like her
sister. The child with the freckles envies the sibling who doesn't. The child with the athletic ability wishes he had his sister's IQ. Part of life is learning to play the hand you were dealt. My family has a number of two-son families and when I would listen to the cousins debate whether it's better to be the oldest or the youngest (only kids would do this!), I would hear that one was envying what the other would gladly have given up.
Some things about parenting you can't win – someone's got to
be born first, and someone second, and whatever your place
in the birth order, something comes with it. But you do get
to choose their names. Think about what the following
parents did. Some names have been changed to protect
anonymity but they are true to the examples:
· To name a girl Temptress, unless, of course, you value
that and want her to be one
· To name one boy John, Jr. and the other Fred. (you could make the second one a "II" after another male in the family) · To name one daughter Brunhilde and the other one Candee · To establish a theme and then bust it – 4 boys in the family, William Charles, Wendell Collin, Wesley Cameron and then came little Edward John. Or Elke, Helga, Gertrude and Mary Jane · To name a girl for her father - Martha and Emmet L. Smith named their daughter Emmie Dell, "after her father" · Daughters - Ushi (ox), Ling (delicate), Meiying (beautiful flower). Wonder who's the "workhorse" in that family? · To call the first son Thomas and the second son Jimmy … even when they're 36 and 34 years old · Children with "equal" given names who are introduced as – "This is Susanna and this is Tiny"; "He's Billy, and well, we call him King Tut"; "This is Alison, and this is Maria, and over there is The Princess of Quite-a-Lot"
It wouldn't hurt to look up the meanings of the names you're considering and see if these are attributes you would consciously wish your child to have. Here's one site: http://pregnancy.parenthood.com/babynames.html .
Names seem to fall into 4 categories:
1. Made up name (or spelling) - Kymburlee, Aquanetta (yes, there is a child with that name)
2. Attributes. Many are war-oriented and aggressive, like Walter (mighty warrior) but some are positive, though limiting, like Kurt (courteous) or Aretha (best), and some are lamentable, like Claudia (lame), Cecil (blind), or (for heaven's sake) Meklorka, (Norse for "a deaf and mute
concubine")
3. Neutral – Susan (lily), Hadley (heath-covered meadow),
and Kelly (farm by the spring)
4. Spiritual (for want of a better word) - Hannah (Grace of
God) and Mustafa (one of Prophet Muhammed's names), Godfried (God's peace)
I hear many young parents these days who are concerned about having a more peaceful world, in which case they might consider naming their children Alison (noble, kind) and Fred
(peace) rather than Chad (warlike) or Louise (famous
warrior).
"What's in a name?" asked Shakespeare. Well, many things,
so name yourself Shannon (wise) or Conrad (wise counselor)
when you name your child. It's something they'll have for a very long time, and they'll likely be trying to live up to it!
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence. Susan is the author or "How to Develop Your Child's EQ," and other ebooks, available on her website, and she runs an EQ coach certification program with no residency requirement. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.